Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Our Most Powerful Sword is Now Unsheathed on Fox News

I became a sword fighting fan because I have an 11 year old son who has been having sword fights with me since he was a kid. We've also seen Pirates of the Carribean. So if I start telling people that my pokemon Palinchu can beat your pokemon Obami or if I make references like my Yugi-Oh monsters Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann combine for double the attack factor, please understand that I may have spent too much time around my kid before blogging such.

Back to the sword fighting. I began getting the idea from's concept of the "ordinary barbarian" and after seeing the quote on the title banner for Ace of Spades HQ. Having a dual B.A. in literature and political science is a dangerous thing for a right wing conservative who understands the geopolitical consequences of terrorism on one side of his brain and the use of written imagery on the other. So when told that the pen is mightier than the sword, I sometimes confuse the two.

After a couple of adult beverages and a listening to Aerosmith's Kings and Queens while looking on the net at this picture

Uhsheathed was born. In my childish fantasy mind, I pictured what we conservatives do online as a rhetorical battle, a contest of words and opinions. Like in an adventure story, we are the Reaganites who have been cast from our home, the shining city on a hill, which is now being ravaged by the evil forces of big government liberalism.

Since Reagan's death and Newt Gingrich's Contract with America, we squandered power after falling into complacency under a watered down version of compassionate neo-conservatism. The liberals came to power and defeated us badly in the 2006 elections. Their army was growing stronger in 2008. We were leaderless and the shining city on a hill was about to be completely overrun.

As a fractured people, we agonized over the choices we had before us. We were going to have to fight either Hillary the Hellion or Barack the Barbarian. Who would be our leader? We chose an aging war hero, once a foot soldier in the Reagan revolution, who many thought had become part of the watered down conservatism that had cost us the 2006 election and allowed the enemies to advance more freely in the first place. Enthusiasm was not high.

When our nominee was nearly about to select someone who once ran for vice presidency of the enemy (led then by Al the Gorer) to be our vice president, the masses reacted and the backblow was strong. As crickets chirped at John the War Hero's campaign headquarters and seeing our morale at an all time low, the aging foot soldier in the Reagan revolution realized this and instead selected one of us to be his running mate and sparked a resurgence in the Reaganites like never seen before.

Sarah the Great took the Republican National Convention by storm. Immediately, our warriors began showing up at rallies in droves. Campaign offices throughout the nation filled with people manning the phones and getting out lawn signs and bumper stickers. The Reaganites had a leader again and they loved her.

Unfortunately, Barack the Barbarian had the entire mainstream media and blogosphere behind him. The ordinary barbarians were not online yet and there was no way for us to fight through the media lies and false promises that Barack was feeding his followers. As a result, the shining city on a hill fell. Our collective tears filled the eyes of Sarah the Great as she watched it crumble before her. Barack the Barbarian declared our ideals as an "outmoded dogma." He had his foot on our necks and his sword drawn high. It was our lowest moment.

Luckily, the Reaganites formed an army known as the TEA Partiers and marched into Washington DC, their swords (okay signs, but stick with me on this) held high and their voices loud. They had come to stop Barack the Barbarian, Nancy the Nut and Harry the Reid from killing us and putting to end the hopes of ever rebuilding the shining city.

While all of this was happening, Sarah the Great was being undermined by the forces of Barack. Having returned home to Alaska and confined to a governorship that would keep her out of the hair of Barack the Barbarian, a group of his minions began undermining her. They filed false claims about her ethics and wrote lies about her on their blogs in the hopes that she would lose support.

But her supporters formed an army and began winning battles in the blogosphere. Their forces grew stronger. They battled the mainstream media, revolted against Barack the Barbarian and formed coalitions with disenfranchised Reaganites. Sarah resigned her post as governor of Alaska to become one of the leaders of the opposition. She travelled the land, meeting with her followers and writing a book. We were to go Rogue and resist.

The army grows stronger as support for Barack the Barbarian is collapsing. As he leads our country down a path that could bankrupt us and give government more control over our liberties, the people who once believed in "hope and change" are starting to realize that this was not the man they thought he would be. We call on those people to join us.

Many of us Reaganites became Palinistas vowing to fight for our great leader, Sarah, and help her save our country. We went to war with the writers and bloggers who continued to try to destroy her. The revolution was on! When the battles got hot and we were in full combat, she would step out in front and slay the likes of David the Letterman (7th inning knock up), Swiftboat John (why the long face) and Al the Gorer (its just like gravity) much to the cheering of her battle ready warriors.

Despite losing a tough battle in New York, the revolutionary forces took back the states of Virginia and New Jersey, wrestling these vital pieces of territory from Barack the Barbarian. The revolutionary forces were advancing again. There was hope that we could take back and rebuild that shining city on a hill.

As ordinary barbarians, we are defenders of Sarah who earns our deepest loyalty because of her devotion to the ideals of Reagan and our cause in defending them. Most of all, we are loyal to her because she is one of us. We all play our parts. We have professional writers who battle in the print media for her. We have radio show hosts who battle the airwaves for her. We have pundits, who handle her TV battles and we have bloggers, of which I am one, who handle the online battle in the blogosphere for her.

She is a true leader. She fights the battle on those same fronts with us. And when she strikes with her sword, it's mighty. From "death panels" to Going Rogue, everything she says and writes resonates with a power that draws us closer to her and sends liberals and establishment elites into a frenzy, or in her words causes their heads to "be spinnin'."

As this legend that I have taken creative license to write about unfolds, I think back to something I've said since right after the 2008 election. The most effective tool used against us was the media because the media abdicated its role as watch dog to jump in bed with the forces of Obama. My battle cry in this war: the media lies! I have a webpage devoted to it. My role in this war is to unsheathe my sword and rhetorically fight the media and the blogs which distort the truth in hopes of controlling the minds of the weak.

I know the liberals own the board now. I've been relentless in my statements and belief that we need to infiltrate the media and pop culture and recognize that the we must soundly defeat them at their own game before we can set the rules back to those that are moral and ethical again. I've written blogs and a web page where I point out how the Republicans can gain back power. I am a Reagan Republican who believes the TEA Party movement and the Palinistas must infiltrate our own party, in much the same way the liberals infiltrated the Democrat party, in order for the GOP to rise again.

I figured if someone was able to figure out how to do this and make it work, we would win. I didn't exactly expect Sarah Palin to go infiltrate the pop culture herself and go on Conan O'Brien to get William Shatner back for making fun of her. I didn't exactly expect Sarah Palin herself to infiltrate the media and become a Fox News contributor. I didn't exactly expect Sarah Palin herself to personally infiltrate the Republican party and back the right candidates and tell everyone that it would be good if Republicans duke it out to get those loyal to the party's conservative platform back into control. I guess Sarah figured the house wasn't going to vacuum itself.

How great is it that we have a leader who does all the right things, wields the most powerful sword among us and is as devoted to us as we are to her?

I pulled my hair out writing blogs denouncing David Letterman. She goes on Matt Lauer and calls him pathetic. I've written blog after blog denouncing Obamacare. She writes "death panels." I've written piece after piece debunking the media, she tells them "stop making things up." I've tweeted endlessly about the irony of William Shatner making fun of the only other person who has ever beaten the Kobayashi Maru. She goes on Conan O'brien and says "taste my nightstick."

It's as if I am battling a monster and she steps out of the shadows and says, "hold on let me take care of this." Slice. Then she walks away leaving me looking at the dead beast muttering to myself "how'd she do that?"

In her first appearance as a Fox News contributor, Sarah Palin said: "But more and more Americans are looking at some of these networks, that biased journalism, and they're saying, nah, that gig is up, we're not believing that stuff anymore..."

My work is done here.

UPDATE: Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck are talking about co-hosting Saturday Night Live. The infiltration of the media and the pop culture has begun. I always knew Beck was in the army, baby!

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